Wouldn’t that be a hilarious title for one of those Biff and Kipper books?
My period was due on the 22nd of September.. I know this because I have a cute little app that keeps track of my cycle with love hearts and a singing bluebird. I was pissed off as I was due to fly to Lisbon that very day with my gals for a two night mini break which we try to do yearly (we’ve done it twice).
I used up some of my precious case weight with pads and tampons and waddled to the airport with a giant in-case-of-a-sudden-haemorrhage maxi pad in my size 16 period knickers. I spent the weekend changing pads, checking pads, checking apps and wondering where the feck it had got to.
Eight days later and I did a test… he had a vasectomy but I googled and seemingly many the baby are born when the tubes reattach or something. ‘I’ll fucking kill him if his tubes regenerated …what an asshole!’ I said aloud to the offending test. The first line appeared to let me know the test was working and my next thought was ‘the bloody legislation hasn’t even gone through!’
Two minutes later and no second line.. ‘so what does it all mean?’ I wailed to Ossie later, medicinal wine in hand… ‘I’m fucking menopausal.. that’s it!.. Jesus I’m burning up.. is my face red?? I’m having a hot flush… I’m having some fast track menopause that’ll last a week and then I’ll be done.’ I was also experiencing a gross prickly skin feeling like bad goosebumps… a quick google and I diagnosed myself peri-menopausal. Other side effects are memory loss… I have that….weight gain… yes (nothing to do with the pure carb and wine diet I’ve been on lately.
I met Margaret for lunch and she helpfully told me about something she’d just read online about false negatives and that she’d send on the link… there was a hint of glee in her voice. She then proceeded to tell me how when she was pregnant with her daughter that two tests and a drs visit proved negative. If one more person said.. maybe you’ll have your girl I was going to get violent. I bought another pregnancy test and 6 boxes of menopause plus vitamins. The test was negative again but I made a doctors appointment to be sure to be sure.
I went in clutching my wee sample and told my doctor that *gasp* *shock* *horror* I was 17 days late!!!! She laughed at my panic and said that it was very normal and that many the woman had sat in front of her with the same problem. She checked my wee and took a heartbeat too long to tell me it was negative.. ‘you’re sure I’m not going to be one of those girls that goes through a whole pregnancy unaware before giving birth in a toilet while straining for what I thought to be a problematic dump? No… definitely not pregnant.
‘So…. I’m menopausal’ I sighed resignedly and produced my vitamins from my handbag. ‘Whoa’ she said… ‘you need to be without a period for two years before we’d consider menopause.’
‘But I’ve all these vitamins’ I said a little teary… calling on that moment with Julia Roberts in the snooty clothes store in Pretty Woman for emotional inspiration.
The doctor explained that a period is a strange creature that sometimes decides to protect us from it’s carnage. Mine, we decided wanted me to have a carefree time in Lisbon… gallivanting in white trousers on roller skates. It didn’t realise that it’s absence was far more detrimental.
I got home from the doctors…. went to the toilet and there it was! Like the final scene from Are You There God it’s Me Margaret (if I remember it correctly).
I have decided that my period is sentient…. a lying, sadistic man… I have named it Brett.
Ugggh and I still have to return those vitamins and pretend they were for my Mam who has now passed through menopause and wants to switch them for glucosamine or something.
All new vitamin suggestions welcome.