It’s been approximately 3 weeks since the boys schools broke up for the Summer and it’s been non stop fun!
No, no I will mention a positive first.. This is the first year since 2007 that I can have semi lie-ins. Rian is always first to rise at 6.30 ish and comes into my room demanding “warm milk and his tablet”; I’ll provide these and warn in a treacherous whisper that he is not to wake anyone else. He will then approach my bedside 5 or 6 more times with crises that range from “my blankie is broke” (fell off his bed) to wanting a new app downloaded. This morning he cried to watch Iggle Piggle on Netflix and I tried to calmly explain that it’s a CBeebies show for 10 mins while inwardly shouting “get the fuckity fuck out of my room and let me sleep!!”
Inevitably he’ll wake Koray in the top bunk and copious bum talk and muffled giggles begin; someone will go too far and Koray’s pterodactyl like screams will begin… this is the point at which I snap. I become part Old Testament, part rabid dog and stomp into their room growling about smiting them as god and all the holy donkeys are my witnesses… I will bring a plague of locusts on their bunks and set fire to all their false prophets (angry birds stuff). They quiet momentarily and as I put one leg in the bed, I can hear them collapse into giggles.
I’ll doze off and be woken by one word increasing in urgency POO. Rian will be sitting proudly on the potty and I’ll have to clean it and him. I’ll do this and get back into bed and Ossie (he works nights) will intimate that I should give up and get up and I mentally smother him with a pillow.
Rian will have enjoyed the poo drama and will often squeeze out an unnecessary pip once he is sure I’ve dozed off so he can scream POO once more. Koray will try to sneak into my room to steal my phone, knocking my water on the floor and at this point I hear Conall’s door open and I take one last loving look at my pillow and leave the bed. So when I say lie-in, I really mean a series of disturbed naps that do more damage than good.
Conall’s summer holiday goal is to stay in pajamas for the entire thing using every piece of technology in the house, stopping only to use the toilet; He’s doing exceedingly well as the other two keep me so busy that it’s difficult to police him. I am enforcing trampoline and reading breaks… imagine these things are a chore to him. Rian plans on wallpapering and carpeting the entire house in tiny pieces of play doh and Koray is causing maximum mental anguish with his emotional neediness. I am surviving by comfort eating, drinking wine and popping painkillers; I’ll end up like Vegas Elvis by September. And there’s Game of Thrones… I am so late to this party but I have watched about 43 hours of it in the last 2 weeks… it is sooo good and all I want to do is lock myself in my room and binge what’s left. It’s also helping to assuage my parental guilt; I may not be doing loads of outdoorsy, memory-making shit with the kids but I’m not selling them into marriage or slavery…yet!
Koray is in lego camp this week and seems to love it but is such a cranky little shit when I collect him, it’s as if he’s had to fake niceness with the teachers all day and then sees me and thinks.. “She’ll take a verbal beating and not leave or call the police (even though she constantly threatens both). It’s similar to when I leave work on a Sunday and Ossie calls to ask me how my day was and I bring up the time he forgot my birthday.
Conall will be starting his camp in DCU next week; it’s called Whizzkids and is an IT camp and aged 8-17 so I hope he can steer away from watching youtube videos towards the Mark Zuckerberg/ Bill Gates stuff… an easy transition, I’d imagine. Yes I’m aware that I am moving him from technology in my house to technology elsewhere but at least this way I don’t have to feel as guilty.
Again.. A positive; we are halfway through July which is the only full month they have off and August will be broken up with a hens and a family holiday.. to Leitrim; Both of which will be fraught with stories, disasters and drunkenness I imagine and I will be reporting from the front lines.
Bring on the end of August and my first time to be kid free 5…. Yes 5 days a week.. Oh the things I will do, the places I will see (I’ll sleep the first 3 months that’s for sure).