Surely I have nothing left to add about our holiday…maybe just one more post?
It wasn’t all about me buying jewelry, drinking and parading my sun-kissed (patchy red) body; I’m not sure if I mentioned that I had 3 kids with me, and the husband of course.
On one of our first nights I talked himself into bringing us all to my absolute favourite restaurant, Somewhere Else on ladies beach. It seems like I had to do a lot of sweet talking in the two weeks but my husband is firmly grounded in realism and all things scientific. Did I mention that for Christmas he bought me a necklace with interchangeable planets which luckily got lost in the post? I am yang to his yin; Rachel to his Ross, Dharma to his Greg. I got all the little Von Trapps dressed and we set off. There was a brief showdown enroute due to Conall asking for a Minecraft t-shirt (this was pre grand-theft-auto-gate) which we bought without too much parental passive aggression because it was the start of the holiday in Kusadasi and we weren’t yet jaded.
We were greeted by Orlagh’s husband and longtime friend of ours, Durmus (pronounced Durmush… like saying Dermot if you’re from D.4) and seated inside where we ordered our drinks and I had a gorgeous chilli beef salad.
A cirque de Soleil act ensued courtesy of our offspring;
Rian jumped out of the highchair to join (destroy) a game of pool
Conall spilt the drink we warned him he would spill on his new Minecraft T-shirt
Koray disappeared for a half hour to poo his pants in secret (under the pool table) which we didn’t noticed till we got back to the hotel and by which time it had absorbed nicely into the buggy fabric.
There was general mayhem and suffice to say we left the table and it’s surroundings like a rock band would leave a hotel room circa 1976.
Apart from the McDonalds incident we didn’t venture out for dinner again.
Towards the end of our trip, Ossie had to go to the dentist for the full day (implants) so I grabbed Orlagh like a lifeline and tried to think up a plan that would cause the minimum amount of damage to my blood pressure. I tried hinting at her taking them while I had a nap but either she didn’t pick up on my subtle hints (3 backpacks by their feet) or was daunted by the prospect. I had a brainwave.. “hey we’ll go to your house, order pizza and watch the cartoon network!”
The kids were happy for five minutes watching cartoons and then they started flinging grapes and terrifying the dog. The party ended when Conall and Koray went to pee and decided to cross swords (unbeknownst to me) and Koray was pissed on (literally). “Let’s take them shopping to Kipa (tesco)” I suggested reticently. There was an incident when Conall blocked the double buggy coming up the walkway and the situation got hairy as people piled up behind me and Orlagh before I pushed the little shit out of the way; not before an old man berated us.
We stocked up on toy boats and then brought them to the funfair.
Here I faced a Sophie’s Choice decision as I do most days when both Conall and Koray hopped into a bumper car each. The guy in charge said that they’d both need an adult. Orlagh was watching Rian. They both looked up at me with tears streaming down their faces as I sweated and displaced my anger at the innocent guy. I spotted little peddle boats and having ascertained that they could go on unaccompanied gave them the option… disaster averted. Koray and Rian had thrown their shoes in the fragrant buggy and were knee deep in dust. It took a solid hour to get them to the car, snotty and screaming for another ride (just like their daddy.. I hope he doesn’t read this post).
Orlagh couldn’t find her keys for ten insufferable minutes and I concussed myself on the car door. When we got back my new wife told me to put Rian to bed and she’d watch the other two in the lobby till I got back. I returned a half hour later and Conall asked could he go to the room for his tablet, and at the same time Koray asked would I download a game on the phone for him. Here I was Sophie again… Conall was pressing the button on the lift and shouting come on come on. I downloaded the game and it said insufficient space… fuck… I deleted half the shit on my phone and tried again.. still insufficient… MAM MAM MAM MAM THE LIFT… The lobby was full, I was soaked in sweat and I begged Koray to hang on 5 minutes; he started whimpering… I made my way to the lift and I was holding a full Ben bloody 10 and when I got there Conall was in the lift pressing the button repeatedly for the 5th floor. I could hear Koray’s cries escalating. I started to plead with Conall and the door shut on me… the cocktail flew in the air and clattered on the floor, not breaking though; I banged my arm and leg trying to catch it and bruised immediately. Some guests ran over and Conall legged it out of the lift screaming “she’s going to murder me”. I looked like an alcoholic rage-filled mother that was about to kill her kid for spilling her mojito. At this point Orlagh arrived and surveyed the scene; there was a mop and a crowd and she asked “what the hell happened.. I only left ya 5 minutes ago“(when reading this in your head adopt a culchie Carlow accent for realism). I said “Orlagh, I’m going to my room to order a bottle of wine and cry for an hour”. She nodded understandingly and I took a now meek Koray to the room with me.
She joined me later and we had some wine and when she was leaving asked could she see the boys. Each of them was sleeping and looked so sweet. We both teared up and agreed that they are amazing and rearing kids is worth all the crap that is slung at you literally and figuratively just to see them sleeping soundly at night recharging their batteries for the day of assholery ahead.