I’m having a bad day. Mondays are generally bad because I’m tired after a weekend’s work and could do with a lie on but the kids don’t take that into consideration and wake me at 7am.
This morning I was ensconced in a comfy spooning situation with my husband who had only returned from working through the night when I heard the first of the thousand MAMs I would hear today.
I wearily put my feet on the floor and decided today was the first day since April that warranted a dressing gown. I put a cloth headband on to complete my glamorous attire and began the day emptying the potty, making food for the kids that wouldn’t be eaten by anyone but me (enroute to the bin), and muttering obscenities under my breath.
I glanced longingly at my laptop many times only to hear my captors shout and I would run in shushing and issuing threats. Koray was playing Harry Potter on the Xbox and kept shouting “Mam I’m stuck on a level” and I’d have to youtube a walkthrough and help him out while the potty trainee (95% there) peed like a pregnant lady.
I found time between potty washing and youtubing to put a wash on and when it was done I grabbed the wet clothes to bring to the dryer, and I dropped a sock; I bent to retrieve it and when I straightened up I cracked my nose off the corner of the wall. I heard a crunch and saw stars, like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon. My face went completely numb and I thought shite, I’ve broken my nose, the only semi-decent feature on my face. In these circumstances I revert to being a child so I went upstairs and woke Ossie to have a weep. He had a look and told me I looked like Owen Wilson.
I had a shower and put some make-up on and feeling a little better took the kids to an indoor play area. It was the usual chaos of bursts of energy followed by sweaty shouts for snacks. I did manage to have a coffee with my friend Susan who told me she was very proud that a) I was drinking coffee and b) I hugged her (I have issues… awkward hugger). We confessed to each other about how shocking our parenting skills were and then almost got competitive I’m a bad mother… no I am… I’m worse. This led on to our favourite topic about how we’d do a Thelma and Louise but not drive off a cliff… just book into a hotel to sleep uninterrupted.
On the journey home I made a rookie mistake and let Conall and Koray sit next to each other. They were playing with my phone in between torturing each other. Conall likes to call Koray Corey and make him cry and Koray retaliates by calling him Conor. At one point they got so crazy that I screamed JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH I’LL MURDER THE BOTH OF YOU at which point I noticed Conall was holding my phone up and he said “Mam, someone’s on the phone for you”.. Fuck… I grabbed the phone and noticed it was my work number and realised I was expecting a call from my boss regarding me doing some work for the new parenting club, fantastic.
I got home, took some paracetamol for my aching nose and made them dinner (yes I ate most of it). I got them to bed and set to tidying some of the day’s carnage when Rian yelled for the potty. I picked it up without realising it was full and poured cold piss down the front of my Harry Potter nightdress and bare legs…. I didn’t get to clean it off for a good 10 minutes while doing the pee/ brushing teeth/ bedtime drink waltz.
I’ve come straight to bed to vent and regroup, Ossie is off tomorrow and he can spend some quality time with his progeny while I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling vacantly for an hour… it’s the little things.