Family, Motherhood

Kid’s parties and other horror stories…

April 16, 2015

I love when it’s one of my kids birthdays for many reasons:

They are getting older and a little more independent. I adore babies but I would be happy to fast forward the toddler years. I am told I’ll look back on these days with fondness but right now it is hard bloody work.

My beautiful, sweet two year old has been possessed by an angry wrestler (maybe the spirit of Randy Savage). He has taken to growling at people. He bites, smacks and kicks and does so with gleeful abandon. When I put him on the step he roars defiantly in my face and then does his time, maintaining unnerving eye contact the whole time. When I seek an apology I get a sorry laced in sarcasm and possibly a punch in the face. Has global warming taken effect on the ageing process and my 2 year old is about to get a wobbly voice and a bum fluff moustache? It is a battle of the wills and my fiery red-headed temper has 3 nemeses…

2664019-attila_lunnocuchulainnMy kids have a molotov cocktail of genetics… a mixture of Attila the Hun and Cuchulainn (yes I’m a direct descendant).

I may need to stick egg cartons all over my walls because we tend to have our “conversations” on a louder decibel level than most.


I love to spoil them with gifts… yes, I know you’re all piecing it together and thinking this is in direct correlation to the behaviours listed above. I have to explain my mindset.. I have always thought there is an elusive toy out there that would bring my boys together (quietly) and keep them busy, while educating them. My search has proved fruitless so far. Conall, ironically was the easiest to occupy. He would watch The Bee Movie on repeat, I had to buy 3 copies as it wore out, I did watch A LOT of Seinfeld when I was pregnant though… doesn’t Jerry have Aspergers??? Hmmm so perhaps it’s not vaccines that cause autism but watching Seinfeld when pregnant; makes as much sense. Koray needs more hands on parenting; he needs to express his love while receiving it constantly; cute and draining; I apologise in advance to future partners; he’s as needy as his mam. maxresdefaultWe’ve already mentioned Rian, he cannot be occupied. He likes to watch the kinder surprise opening thing on youtube but will say “I don’t like it” constantly so I’m changing the clip every 2o seconds and getting nothing done.

My mantra is September 2017 when I get the last one through the gates of school and relinquish all responsibility, for a few hours anyway. O the things I will do, the places I will see!

Second stage of labourI like recounting horrific birth stories, especially to people who haven’t had kids. It’s fun. This was done to me by my sister so I like to think that I’m paying it forward. So in the tradition handed down to me by my mother who on my birthday every year will recount the details of my birth and the enema that destroyed her beautiful new nightdress and slippers; I will do the same to my kids along with a healthy dose of Kelly exaggeration.  I do have some Photos that my husband took from the frontline, I may work on a slideshow.

                                                                     The downside of birthdays

2014-01-31 11.53.31

You feel a need to mark the occasion but everything seems way too stressful. I’ve been burnt too many times. I had Conall’s 3rd birthday at Fun Galaxy where he had a meltdown and ate his food under the table. The following year was the cinema and another episode where he thought I’d lost him (which I had) because he stayed back to watch all the credits. When he was 5 I asked him did he want a party and he said no, he hated them so that was fine but the other 2 have probably suffered because of it. Also my kids birthdays are December, January and April and it’s normally cold and not conducive to a bouncy castle. Ok, I’m making excuses. I will never have a party in the house, I couldn’t bear it. The games, the sticky surfaces, the whining, the toilet accidents…. o god.

The pressure to get a cake and sometimes Aldi are out of the nice chocolate one and I’m forced to get the horrible white one!

I was at my cousin’s house last week for a party for her 2 year old. It was lovely to see friends and relatives and most of them (kid free ones) were having a drink and a catch up. The kids were in the way of us having a good time (I was driving so not that good) ..and mine were particularly prickish (it’s a word). Leia had gotten so many presents but all the other kids were determined to break or steal them. Rian had missed a nap and was wandering around howling, bubbling snot from his nose and Koray had decided to be shy and clingy and was clamped to my leg. Then there’s always that one uncle, (not naming names Bernard Saunders) who teases the kids unmercifully, grabbing their toy and saying mine or eating their slice of birthday cake. Kids are way too sensitive these days.

As I looked at the kids murdering each other and squashing chickatees into the carpet, I had a flashback. It was that very room 30 years earlier that housed some of my best kiddie party memories. Our parents had it right… feed the kids shite (normally generic coke that left strings of brown on our tongues) and let them run crazy, their blood stream awash with 1980s E numbers; then open the bottle of bacardi and let the real fun begin. We would normally end up having a sleepover while listening to Uncle David play John Denver to a rapturous crowd downstairs.

988655_10151736379666411_869271003_nAs I watched Jen place triangular sandwiches and chicken goujons on the table (and thought about how far we had both come, gastronomically) ; I was transported back to her Mam doing the same and I caught her eye and said “how did this happen? When did we become the adults?” francis-malcolm-in-the-middleIt always annoys me on Facebook when it’s a kid’s birthday and someone says… 2??? How did that happen? or time is going too fast because I don’t agree, I’m an impatient person and am always looking to the next stage but when you step back and look at the big picture; blocks of years, decades are going too fast. Today I’m complaining about toddlers but it won’t be any time before they are teenagers and the shit hits the fan.

This is a phase I’ve dreaded since birth and military school may be an option; it seemed to work well for Francis in Malcolm in the Middle.

You Might Also Like


  • Reply Jen April 16, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Sniff-sniff, so true. Well done Ais <3

  • Reply Aisling April 16, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    And well done to you for following a family tradition no matter how crappy it is. I presume you got drunk after I left?

  • Reply Jen April 16, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    No unfortunately the whole episode made me come down with the flu.

  • Leave a Reply