Motherhood, Musings

How My Kid’s Are Like Little Stoners

April 23, 2015
  • They constantly have the munchies for sugary, calorie-laden food and their favourite meals are pizza, hotdogs and burgers. Each day begins with a hopeful mantra, “ sweeties, sweeties sweeties” and I can’t get petrol in the garage without anarchy in the back of the car as the smell of possible goodies inflames their nostrils and has them salivating. Am I the only one who hears the distant chimes of popeye the sailor man and goes straight to damage control? The TV gets put to maximum volume and I sing at the top of my voice hoping to distract them from looking out the window to see every mother’s nemesis… the ice -cream man.
  • They nap when they need it or when the sugar rush wears off and in all kinds of positions and places. They can be lazy as hell, demanding blankets and snacks from their cocoon of comfort while I their enabler, look on in jealous resentment.
  • They can be philosophical at times: Who am I? Where did I come from? Why do elephants not have corners on their eyes?Acotilletta2--Red_Hulk_composite442Their answers can be profound: I’m the Hulk (the red one); I came out of a box of cereal; Cos their eyeballs get in the way. I can ask them questions and get the most random of answers: Q:What would you like for dinner? A: Do you know there’s a golden bonnie?
  • The world holds limitless possibilities. My two year old son told me he’d like to go on a rocket ship to the moon.. today!
  • 5723627-Rocket-ship-leaves-Earth-and-travels-to-the-Moon-Stock-Vector-astronautI draw on my college days, when obviously I didn’t inhale, and had to talk friends with the greenies/ whities down: I end up placating them to keep them calm. Of course we’ll go on a rocket later as mammy’s a little busy right now. Yes, I can see that you’re red hulk, check out the muscles and No, you didn’t come out of Mammy’s bum, that’d be gross…. you came out of her vagina love.
  • You can have the most amazing and literal conversations with them, stuff that I’d like to have embroidered on a cushion. Conall once said everything’s worth a try except jumping in a volcano or crashing on the motorway. That is genius right there and I have patented it in case you try putting it on a cushion.
  • They have very poor motor skills… (not the car, I haven’t finished training them to be my designated driver just yet, damn short legs). I have the bare minimum of glassware and crockery as they have managed to break most breakable items although I have managed many’s the last minute save proving a career in sport may not be an unattainable nightmare.
  • They are very emotional beings. The word fart could set one of them laughing till he literally pees. The next moment they could be crying uncontrollably for the simplest of reasons. They tell me they love me ALOT and shower me with kisses. This is lovely but can make simple tasks like packing your shopping difficult as 3 little people compete in hugging you to the point of suffocation.
  • Their clothes are normally stained five minutes after dressing them. I haven’t noticed any hot rock burns but they’ve yet to enter a pyromaniac phase.
  • They suffer with memory loss although that’s more convenient than anything else. I will have to repeat basic instructions such as put on your socks 12-15 times and at a graduating volume. PUT ON YOUR (MOTHERFUCKING (unsaid but thought))SOCKS!!!!
  • giphy (1)Their language is peculiar and peppered with profanity. Thanks to youtube and bad parenting they have adopted a lot of adult phraseology that is unique to say the least. Conall in particular can be pedantic and embellishes his conversation with some humdingers like… emmm humdingers. They swear and when done appropriately, it’s endearing.. like Koray (4) saying “o shit” when he loses at Xbox or Rian (2) who told me this morning “Koray said fuck off, murder him.. get the police”  See there’s another one… fear of the police! Conall has also taken to using air quotes frequently. He said the other night that everyone in the house loved me except Dad who was (cue air-quotes and voice dripping with sarcasm) “in love with me”.
  • They have boundless ingenuity if all the dishes are in the dishwasher; they will fill a vase or a jug with juice if needed, although this may be learnt from their ingenious dad.figaro-flyer
  • They get shows like Spongebob and the Regular Show. There’s also a cool little Netflix cartoon called Figaro Pho that has got to be written by someone high or insane..they laugh hysterically at all of the above while Disney PC stuff bores the hell out of them, thank Christ.

 

Disclaimer: my kids are not stoners and if they ever become stoners I’ll post embarrassing stories about them on social media.. o wait I’ve already done that; screw it I’ll be an old lady, I’ll probably join them for all that arthritic pain etc.

 

 

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3 Comments

  • Reply Irish Parenting Bloggers | How my kid’s are like little stoners April 23, 2015 at 10:34 am

    […] By Aisling […]

  • Reply Mammyinwonderland April 23, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Ha! I love this, having lived with both stoners and toddlers there is a striking resemblance alright… It’s nice to know our college days prepared us for more than just our professional lives!

    • Reply Aisling April 23, 2015 at 3:11 pm

      Definitely life lessons there. I may not remember any academic work but I can talk someone down.

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