I promised a follow up to fendi fanny so here it is; warts and all (bad choice of words)…
The vaginal cliffhanger left off when I was two days from hospital release.
Hospitals are obsessed with bowel movements; I first encountered this on baby number 1. The nurses had me tormented asking if my bowels had opened… a phrase I find way too graphic and that’s coming from someone who owns a book called I ♥ poo.
The same happened on day 3 after my pelvic floor and vaginal rejuvenation surgery. I was ensconced in my hospital bed making my way through episode after episode of Orange is the New Black when a nurse asked if I’d gone yet? I answered no and made a sheepish face feeling ashamed that I’d failed a test I didn’t know I had to take. That evening I got given some Senokot. After dinner, I had some visitors and they had to open a window as the gas I was omitting became toxic. One visitor who will not be named took the opportunity to unload in my private toilet. An alarm must have sounded because a nurse came in all excited, scrunched up her nose and asked if I’d gone. “No“, I said, “it was her”… pointing at the scarlet perpetrator.
The next day the nurses got more persistent and told me I should start to walk..Duphalac made an appearance at this point and prune juice was called for. I walked and walked but nothing. At this point I was getting messages of support, even my friend Orla in Australia wished a torpedo-style poo on me. It worked; a pain free missile. I left the bathroom delighted with myself only to be struck with a shooting pain all down my right side, particularly in my neck. I pushed the buzzer and a nurse called for someone to do an echo. They also took blood… a few times. I was put on oxygen and at that point my friend Aine decided to visit. I laughed at her shocked face, she almost dropped the grapes and all she could say was “babes…? babes?“. I had to explain that it wasn’t the operation but the poo; she’s known me 35 years so that seemed normal enough to her and we got on with organising our elusive night out that’s been in the planning stages for five years as my oxygen machine gurgled in the background.
The next day was Friday the 13th and instead of being discharged, I was moved from the sanctuary of my lovely private room to a semi one that had 4 elderly ladies sharing with me. They were all hooked up to crazy machines and I was told this was the cardiology ward. My gynae came to visit and asked why I was misbehaving in his twinkly almost sexy way and I cried. A young flirty guy came with a wheelchair and said he was bringing me for tests. I was brought to a room with a scary machine and told they were going to inject me with some blue dye to check my lungs. It was explained that it would feel weird, I’d have a metallic taste in my mouth and I’d feel like I peed my pants… fab. That was done and when they took me out of the machine I asked if my arm should hurt so much? The technicians looked confused and felt it, then explained that the dye had leaked. For fuck sake, I now had one arm that looked like a body builders. Back to my bed and I bonded with the ladies only for a doctor to arrive and tell me he was going to have to take some arterial blood gases… It was only as he closed the curtain and I saw Blanche glance nervously at Rose that I started to fret. As the needle entered a vein in my wrist I started to sweat… my jaysus the pain.. I soaked my clothes.. with sweat, pelvic floor was behaving. When he left I laughed hysterically until I cried. The reason for the laughter was that as the doctor was about to inject me he said “this will just be a little prick“.. I answered as anyone would “that that was what got me in the mess I was in”. Unbeknownst to me, I said it quite loudly (I have volume control issues) as Sophia and Dorothy were receiving communion. I had a nice night eating digestives and shooting the breeze with those incredibly brave women and when it was my time to go the next day, I cried.. again!
I was told to take an aspirin a day and to attend the hermitage the following week for further tests as my blood was showing something weird for a girl of my age. I spent the next week in my mams being spoilt (for details.. click here)and attended the hospital the following week.
I had a panic attack before I had to go in and threw up… what if something was wrong with me? Who would raise my kids? Would I ever see all of Breaking Bad? Who Killed Lucy? I managed to calm down and was put in a changing/ waiting booth while they prepped another woman for her scan. I could hear the doctor telling her that her veins were like curly wurlys and he apologised about twenty times. A nurse was was asked to mop up all the blood. I could hear bandages being ripped open and quiet weeping. By the time the nurse got to me I was begging for a sedative. She inserted a cannula and promised to ask the doctor but blessed drugs didn’t appear. I got the vibe that she thought I was an hysterical bitch so I waited till she went for a smoke and asked her replacement. I used every trick in the book to bond with her and she filled a hypodermic with something lovely. I was brought to a room with one of those long coffin things and asked to lie down. A weighted thingy was put on my chest and the machine swallowed me. The girl in my earphones asked me to inhale, exhale etc… after 20 mins the machine spat me out and nurse Ratched was back. She had a needle and I asked hopefully if it was my sedative.”No” said she… too late for that now, this is something that will make your heart speed up but don’t panic and zzzipppppp I was back in the depths of the machine.. having a panic attack in a tomb and being told to hold my breath zzzzipppp out again and more blue dye. Eventually the nightmare ended and the cardiologist came over and said “nothing wrong with you… go home”
My prognosis is a poo almost killed me.
I’m almost 12 weeks over the operation now and it has proved to be a complete success. I am Tena free and able to cough and sneeze without crossing my legs. I don’t want to go into detail about the rejuvenation but suffice to say all is as it should be and I have some of my pre-baby body back.